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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.